27/01/11

This past week crawled. Time simply didnt pass. We kept joking around that there is always one hour in the day that you wish you could fast-forward, but for us, every hour was like that. Finally, come Wednesday we were let home, and on the train I got a surprise phonecall from my "mashakit task" (IDF social worker) telling me that my flight home to FL was approved! I was exctatic!! I called my mum, I called my friends, I started thinking of what suitcase to bring...Time rolled by, and about three hours later, the same girl calls again to say that there was a mixup and my flight was'nt approved nor denied, but there is no answer, yet.

Funny at first, terribly annoying a few seconds later.

I still havent told my mum, and I feel bad doing so. Perhaps I will wait until I get the next call from her...

22/01/11

I'm guarding now, but thank god there is technology to make these 12 hours pass, semi, if possible, faster. This week has been a good one, slightly slow but I feel like I have grown up in these past few weeks, as if by the months slowly passing and the end of my IDF service becoming nearer my body has realized the meaning of the end, and has decided to speed up the growing up process. Whatever, if that makes any sense.

Anyhow, we are now only 7 NCO's (non commissioned officer), we went from 13 to 7 in a matter of days, that's the army, people come and go, I guess that's life. I am now considered a senior NCO, which is quite funny, the youngsters are turning to me for help, asking me questions I used to once ask those above me. It's a nice feeling. We also have a new commander, she went to course with me, and she is 19!!! But so far she seems lovely, cute, caring, the kind of commander this place and its people finally deserve.

I'm thinking more and more of what will be after the army, I am not sure if I will stay in Israel, I am not sure what I will work in, I am not sure of anything and that makes everything more hazy. My brother just got a job with a major financial corporation in the States, and I cant but feel a twinge of jealousy, he is starting his life, he is going to make money, he knows what he wants to do.

There is so much I could do (I think) but i don't know what is the one job I want, I know i don't have to decide now, and that when the time is right I will apply to several jobs here and there (USA) but I wish I knew. I wish I could map out the next few years and know what awaits me. All these thoughts make me a tad anxious and scared. I do know that it is all useless thinking, I have time...

10 hours to go...

16/01/2011

I don't like that i wrote three posts for today, but i have to write about my so-called "interview" at JPOST. I finally left the house at about 12:30 amdist a thunder storm, I dug my head into my fleece and headed to Jerusalem. I haven't been in Jerusalem as a soldier alone before, and it felt weird, perhaps exciting and a bit foreign. The city sits majesticlly overlooking the hills, the buildings are built in the common white Jerusalem stone, and the people, people are mostly covered in black.

I arrived in the Holy City at about 14:00, turned left, started walking a few blocks until I realized I have no idea where I am going. Stopped, dug my fingers deeper into my pockets, squeezed my nose deeper into the fleece, and completed my U-turn. I finally grew the balls and asked for help, and after about five minutes there it was, crooked, dirty, the Jerusalem Post sign hung over the one-story building, I walked in.

Warmth. Waves of heat filled the narrow hallwaves and pulled me further and further into the decaying, old, crooked building.

I spoke to the news editors and to many others as well as to the chief and walked out feeling quite good, hopeful for what lay ahead.

I will start freelancing and hope to make my name known and who knows what can happen...

Possibility....

Good night.

+16/01/2011

The exterior is a lie

a deception at its best.

the smiles, the laughter,

he is an actor

an award winning actor

hiding the inner truth

Day-to- day phone calls,

cheerful voice,

inner but not outer

pain.

if this keeps up,

a bullet to my head.

he writes

but to blind eyes,

mute ears.

we see him as a man

60 years of age

who has suffered

cried

lost

but no longer.

We, I, they see him

a fighter

a bull

ready to charge

but he, he has

taken losses

too many losses

he has fought his battles

time and time again

and lost.

We see him as he once was

refuse to see the tired,

sunken, hollow,

haggard appearance

crooked stance.

Images are deceitful

truths are objective

illusions stay as they are

a bullet to his head.

is our wakeup call

16/01/2011

I have a sort of meeting, interview, get-to-gether with the Jerusalem Post staff today and I am a bit nervous. I woke up this morning at 7 am, only to turn off my alarm and feed myself reasons as to why I should not get out of bed and dressed and off to Jerusalem. The best reason /excuse was that I always rush into things and never properly mull them over in my head, thus I, Dayna M, will start today and think over things once, twice, maybe even three times. I will not attend the meeting today because that will be scumming to old habits, and I am a new woman.

I believed myself. And went back to sleep. At about 09:05, my phone rang and I rang my father to tell him why I will not travel to Jerusalem, he laughed and said that is "pure bullshit!."

Five minutes later I was under the hot shower, feeding myself reasons as to why I am just fine that way I am.

I'm waiting for the rain to stop, and then I will be on my way...Good luck.

10/01/11

I am guarding now. I have about 10 hours left to guard the opps room and all its 7 phones. I always make the same mistake of finishing my duties too quickly so now (knock on wood) I don't really have any work for the next 10 hours.

Oh well....I suppose I'll survive.

I am going a bit crazy lately, I have been in the IDF for slightly over a year and I have slightly less than a year to finish but I'm bored. Very bored. I am used to moving, to meeting new people, to changing scenery every year or so and now...I feel a bit stuck. People constantly say that's what happens when in the army, that the routine and the day-to-day mundane activities can drive one mad. But still that doesn't help.

This new year scares me. During 2011 I will finish my army service, decide if I will stay to live and work in Israel or move back to the U.S. I will move, look for a job, decide what's next. Scary stuff! Life is about to begin, it is right around the corner!